Closet Racist

My buddy Zach...He went to Cambodia for a month to help out with a charity, run by a German exchange student he schooled with. He thinks he had a shitty life, but I'll bet this little vacation changes his mind. When I greet him at the airport with coconuts, will he laugh or punch me in the nose?

The Fertile Fields

"That was the second weird, fucked up thing to happen to me today. The first was sitting at the Riverside Cafe, eating lunch. The owner, who is South African and was apparently in the military during one of their darkest periods, kept trying to hire me to kill someone for him for $10,000. "I haf enemies" he says, over and over in barely understandable drunkspeak. He was so drunk I'm surprised he could see. It would take me, I calculated, 38 beers to get that drunk. He is about my size, so I imagine that he started early AND had many, many, many shots. Anyway, that was pretty weird. The whole conversation took about an hour. You can imagine. If you can't, go find a dive bar (which this place isn't) and then find the most odd looking character who's hunched over, thousand-yard-staring into oblivion trying to keep the terrible secrets from bursting out of him like Giger's alien. Then go talk to him. That was this guy. He wanted me to work for him. He had long hair, in a ponytail. I have long hair, in a ponytail. Both blonde. Both blue. That's why he started talking to me. He wanted me to kill his enemy. Then he wanted to kill me. Then he wanted me to kill him. Then he started his weird mantra about killing 35 people in a subway. I left shortly after that. He was asleep on the bar.

Words of wisdom: if you ever encounter someone who is that drunk and crazy, don't try to talk reason to them, and don't try to sober them up. Make them drink 800 more shots as fast as possible. They'll pass out soon. If you do otherwise, if you don't just leave, that is, then they will just freak out on you more. It usually gets ugly."

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