Need your opinions...

Stag · 07-31-2003, 02:04 PM

I was inspired by how creative some of you are in your art and writing skills. So I thought I would take a shot at it. So I wrote a short story and posted it on the 'Fiction' board.

Can you please read it and let me know what you think. I have never really written anything before and I wanted to try it out.

Be honest, I think it is ok, but then again, I wrote it.

Arik · 07-31-2003, 02:14 PM

Keep writing!

Pencil Monkey · 07-31-2003, 02:20 PM

Umm.. work on your descriptions there Staggy ol bean. What the hell does a Redexian look like eh? USing the words "firm" and "Full" when talking about cleavage makes me think he's gonna jump poor Lexi

cool idea, interesting setting, honestly I don't give a rats ass about the main character... he showed no endearing qualities. He seems to me like a typical guy who always wanted to be captain. Okay.....and........

You made mention of some smugglers, cool, big fight, cooler, the fact that the story actually meant something, cool, the description of the whole thing, blah! Sure they were smugglers and they aren't the focus of the story.. but you used the word smugler about 6 times in two paragraphs. Either make it a subtle few sentences giving us a hint and leaving to our imaginations or go all out and have him reminisce about it. WEhat you have is kindof a mish-mash of those two(imo)

basically I liked it, and I'd like to see more with this storyline and maybe a lil reworkin on the one you submitted

Stag · 07-31-2003, 02:54 PM

Yeah, the biggest issue I seemed to have when writing and re-writing this was that I kept sliding over from narrative to 1st person and it really got ME confused, and I know what I was trying to say.

The other thing is, when you write it, it always reads ok. In fact, before I read your post, I had justs re-read my story. I then read your post and re-read my story and I see what you are saying. That is the blessing of feedback, it helps you polish the rough spots.

My goal is to make this a part of a whole, so basically this is an excerpt. I always wondered what it would be like to be a Starfleet officer getting their first command. I wante to stay away from TREK because I do not know enough of the canonical issues to draft a good story with out being tripped up by some archane piece of TREK-Lore.

So I just substituted an imaginary place/fleet, etc...Jim, was originally supposed to be Jim Kirk getting command of the Enterprise. But again, don't know enough of the backstory on Kirk to be able to pull it together.

Thanks for the feedback so far, keep it coming.

Cymro · 07-31-2003, 08:32 PM

I voted Let's Drink, but that's cause I'm on my way to read it now.

Stag · 07-31-2003, 09:00 PM

Quote:

I voted Let's Drink, but that's cause I'm on my way to read it now.

Careful, drinking first, before any other activity can get you in trouble.

Bean · 08-13-2003, 11:41 PM

I voted to drink, but it's only because I like drinking a WHOLE lot. It wasn't really a fair poll in that regard...

Cymro · 08-13-2003, 11:46 PM

Quote:

Quote:

I voted Let's Drink, but that's cause I'm on my way to read it now.

Careful, drinking first, before any other activity can get you in trouble.

How do you explain driving then, eh?

Stag · 08-14-2003, 02:57 PM

I drive much better after having a few drinks. I am much more effective at hitting things.

07-31-2003, 02:04 PM	#1 (permalink)
Stag It's me again Join Date: Jan 1970 Location: Florida Posts: 3,286	I was inspired by how creative some of you are in your art and writing skills. So I thought I would take a shot at it. So I wrote a short story and posted it on the 'Fiction' board. Can you please read it and let me know what you think. I have never really written anything before and I wanted to try it out. Be honest, I think it is ok, but then again, I wrote it. __________________ "I want to do a motorboat on Shatner's manboobs" - Sam Cogley

07-31-2003, 02:14 PM	#2 (permalink)
Arik Astro-Monkey Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Here, dumbfuck! Posts: 2,304	Keep writing! __________________ The writers of this post apologize for you being too stupid to understand it.

07-31-2003, 02:20 PM	#3 (permalink)
Pencil Monkey Senior Member Join Date: Dec 1969 Location: A tall tree Posts: 284	Umm.. work on your descriptions there Staggy ol bean. What the hell does a Redexian look like eh? USing the words "firm" and "Full" when talking about cleavage makes me think he's gonna jump poor Lexi cool idea, interesting setting, honestly I don't give a rats ass about the main character... he showed no endearing qualities. He seems to me like a typical guy who always wanted to be captain. Okay.....and........ You made mention of some smugglers, cool, big fight, cooler, the fact that the story actually meant something, cool, the description of the whole thing, blah! Sure they were smugglers and they aren't the focus of the story.. but you used the word smugler about 6 times in two paragraphs. Either make it a subtle few sentences giving us a hint and leaving to our imaginations or go all out and have him reminisce about it. WEhat you have is kindof a mish-mash of those two(imo) basically I liked it, and I'd like to see more with this storyline and maybe a lil reworkin on the one you submitted __________________ Pencil Monkey "I'm as lonely as a fat girl at a school dance"

07-31-2003, 02:54 PM	#4 (permalink)
Stag It's me again Join Date: Jan 1970 Location: Florida Posts: 3,286	Yeah, the biggest issue I seemed to have when writing and re-writing this was that I kept sliding over from narrative to 1st person and it really got ME confused, and I know what I was trying to say. The other thing is, when you write it, it always reads ok. In fact, before I read your post, I had justs re-read my story. I then read your post and re-read my story and I see what you are saying. That is the blessing of feedback, it helps you polish the rough spots. My goal is to make this a part of a whole, so basically this is an excerpt. I always wondered what it would be like to be a Starfleet officer getting their first command. I wante to stay away from TREK because I do not know enough of the canonical issues to draft a good story with out being tripped up by some archane piece of TREK-Lore. So I just substituted an imaginary place/fleet, etc...Jim, was originally supposed to be Jim Kirk getting command of the Enterprise. But again, don't know enough of the backstory on Kirk to be able to pull it together. Thanks for the feedback so far, keep it coming. __________________ "I want to do a motorboat on Shatner's manboobs" - Sam Cogley

07-31-2003, 08:32 PM	#5 (permalink)
Cymro Religious Fanatic Join Date: Nov 1999 Location: Shitsville, CF63 Posts: 4,921	I voted Let's Drink, but that's cause I'm on my way to read it now. __________________ "Let me tell you something about humans, nephew: They're a wonderful, friendly people - as long as their bellies are full and their holosuites are working. "But take away their creature comforts, deprive them of food, sleep, sonic showers, put their lives in jeopardy over an extended period of time and those friendly, intelligent, wonderful people...will become as nasty and as violent as the most blood-thirsty klingon."

08-13-2003, 11:41 PM	#7 (permalink)
Bean The Awesome One Join Date: Dec 1969 Location: Canada eh! Posts: 5,055	I voted to drink, but it's only because I like drinking a WHOLE lot. It wasn't really a fair poll in that regard... __________________ "I haven't faced death. I've cheated death. I've tricked my way out of death and patted myself on the back for my ingenuity. I know nothing." --James T. Kirk

08-14-2003, 02:57 PM	#9 (permalink)
Stag It's me again Join Date: Jan 1970 Location: Florida Posts: 3,286	I drive much better after having a few drinks. I am much more effective at hitting things. __________________ "I want to do a motorboat on Shatner's manboobs" - Sam Cogley

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