Brikar

I got the strange urge to watch "Star Wars - Episode II: Attack of the Clones" tonight. It's not an urge I get often. When I first saw the movie in theatres, at first I thought it was an improvement over the previous movie, "The Phantom Menace" which had damn near bored me to tears. Then I saw it a second time with a separate group of friends and liked it even less. Now, a couple of years later, I pop in the DVD and I'm realizing again that "Attack of the Clones" is a truly AWFUL movie.

Half of it doesn't make any damn sense, and the other half is just plain stupid. Let's face it, "Star Wars" was never exactly the height of intelligent cinema, but it was never STUPID. The original trilogy presents a solid good vs evil story, with some interesting stuff about redemption and destiny, all against a backdrop of some truly terrific action sequences, special effects, and production design. But these NEW movies...

Take, for example, a scene from "Attack of the Clones" in which Obi-Wan Kenobi is trying to find a planet that doesn't show up in the Jedi Archives. He goes to see Yoda, who is in the middle of teaching a class of young children how to use a lightsaber. Obi-Wan tells Yoda and the class that the planet should be there, and that the gravitational forces of the star system are still affecting the systems around it... but the map says it's not there. Obi-Wan has no idea what to do. One of the children in the class tells him it's obvious that someone erased the system from the map.

Well no shit, you needed a six-year-old to tell you that? I thought you were a fucking Jedi Master. Then Yoda tells Obi-Wan that whatever is happening is dangerous and disturbing. Well, Jesus. What a waste of an entire scene.

That was our example of stupid... how about and example where the movie doesn't make any damn sense whatsoever? ....ANYTHING with Anakin Skywalker and Padme Amidala falls into this category. Skywalker is in full creepy stalker mode throughout the entire movie, leering at Padme behind her back, touching her inappropriately, telling her about how he dreams about her, yada yada yada. I half expected him to write her a love letter in his own blood while pouring hot wax on himself. Padme, on the other hand, is suitably uncomfortable with him (as she should be... any woman won over by THAT approach needs some serious help in the head). But in the second half of the movie, she just changes her mind and decides that she loves him because the plot demands that she do so. Because, I mean, if she doesn't love him, how can they get married and have a set of twins that will ultimately save the universe? At one point, Anakin slaughters a village of Tusken raiders, including the women and children, and he tells Padme all about it. Any woman in her right mind would have been scared shitless by such a confession. But she says it's OK because he was "angry". Um, what?

I'll be the first to admit that love is not usually the most rational part of human life, nor does it usually inspire a lot of logical thinking... but this is a movie, where its success in telling a story is based solely upon logic and rationality. The story has to make sense in order for the audience to get the point. "Just because" really doesn't work in movies, and even less so in a series like "Star Wars" which isn't supposed to be a really artistic expression of inner emotion, or an exploration of the deepest recesses of human hearts and minds.

The performances from the actors in this movie are uniformly terrible. Samuel L. Jackson delivers his lines like he's reading them off a teleprompter without his glasses. Hayden Christiansen plays Anakin Skywalker like a brat who didn't get enough ice cream for dessert. The best-looking parts of the movie are the ones that use live actors and real sets with perhaps a bit of CG in the background or foreground (a droid, Jar-Jar, etc). But so much of the movie has a really "fake" look to it that despite the 100+ million dollar budget, it looks cheap. Movies like "Sky Captain" and "Sin City" can get away with using digital sets because they're doing things in a style that can't be as easily accomplished by having regular sets. "Star Wars" managed just fine (and even better) 25 years ago by doing that.

I really could go on and on and on about just how terrible this movie is. I haven't even scratched the surface about how horrible Anakin is as a character, nor did I discuss any of the really horrific dialogue or even the truly despicable things done to Yoda. YEESH.

__________________
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Bean

I think Jar Jar's performance was worthy of an Oscar personally

*Runs from the room ducking along the way.*

__________________
"I haven't faced death. I've cheated death. I've tricked my way out of death and patted myself on the back for my ingenuity. I know nothing."

--James T. Kirk

Brikar

The performances of note in the movie are Frank Oz as the voice of Yoda, the dude who played Jar-Jar, and the midget inside of R2-D2.

__________________
"A million monkeys typing until the end of time will produce the complete works of William Shakespeare. Ten thousand monkeys typing for ten thousand years will write a Hemingway. Ten monkeys typing over Columbus Day weekend will give you a Dan Brown."

http://olympusmans.blogspot.com
http://benforrealz.blogspot.com

Closet Racist

I never thought that ep.1 would outshine another one...until ep.2 came to the theaters. Even JarJar's performance was better than Hayden's. JarJar's voice was less anoying, too.

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Cymro

Maybe someone will remake them after Lucas Dies, and it'll be one of the few remakes that's acctually better than the original.

__________________
"Let me tell you something about humans, nephew: They're a wonderful, friendly people - as long as their bellies are full and their holosuites are working.

"But take away their creature comforts, deprive them of food, sleep, sonic showers, put their lives in jeopardy over an extended period of time and those friendly, intelligent, wonderful people...will become as nasty and as violent as the most blood-thirsty klingon."

Stag

I don;t blame the actors, I blame Lucas. I read somewhere that Lucas is very specific as to what he wants from an actor in a given scene, giving the actor no latitude in performing the scene his own way.

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"I want to do a motorboat on Shatner's manboobs" - Sam Cogley

Bean

I blame television....

__________________
"I haven't faced death. I've cheated death. I've tricked my way out of death and patted myself on the back for my ingenuity. I know nothing."

--James T. Kirk

Cymro

I blame Jesus

__________________
"Let me tell you something about humans, nephew: They're a wonderful, friendly people - as long as their bellies are full and their holosuites are working.

"But take away their creature comforts, deprive them of food, sleep, sonic showers, put their lives in jeopardy over an extended period of time and those friendly, intelligent, wonderful people...will become as nasty and as violent as the most blood-thirsty klingon."

Closet Racist

I blame the "Jesus legs" Cheetos...

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Brikar

lol

__________________
"A million monkeys typing until the end of time will produce the complete works of William Shakespeare. Ten thousand monkeys typing for ten thousand years will write a Hemingway. Ten monkeys typing over Columbus Day weekend will give you a Dan Brown."

http://olympusmans.blogspot.com
http://benforrealz.blogspot.com