91 reasons why "Revenge of the Sith" sucked ass

Brikar · 08-12-2005, 02:21 AM

http://www.chefelf.com/starwars/ep3_1-10.php

These aren't as funny as the review I posted before, but they're no less dead-on about this steaming shit-pile of a Star Wars movie.

[quote]Artoo extends a hose to shoot out some sort of crude oil all over a super battle droid. Both droids begin slipping in the "blood" and Artoo ignites his mystery jets which starts a blaze that broils the two droids alive. This, of course, met with thunderous applause in the theater, which was apparently populated almost entirely with simpletons.

In regards to R2-D2 flying, the only thing that seems to make sense is this: Maybe R2 could fly because he believed in himself. But after the rise of the Empire, he lost his faith that magical things are possible. [quote]

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Here is a brief snippet of those snappy lines exchanged between the Jedi and Sith:

OBI-WAN: You won't get away this time, Dooku.
COUNT DOOKU: I've been looking forward to this.
ANAKIN: My powers have doubled since the last time we met, Count.
COUNT DOOKU: Good. Twice the pride, double the fall.

Apparently 100% of the cutting remarks used in the lightsaber battle were taken directly from the back cover of The Beginner's Dictionary of Cliché Cutting Remarks For Sword Fighters, First Printing.

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After Anakin has the visions of Padme dying in childbirth, he meets with Yoda in a dark closet to talk about these premonitions. Yoda explains to Anakin that death is a part of life and that he should rejoice those who become one with the Force. He even tells Anakin that he should not mourn those that have died and he shouldn't even miss them. This highlights a new absurdity of the Jedi's thinking that we haven't seen in previous films. Yoda actually tells Anakin that there shouldn't even be a mourning period when someone dies. You shouldn't even miss this person when they're gone. It becomes quite clear that Yoda is not just some wise sage of the Jedi order, he is just a mean guy.

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Anakin, being a Grade A doofus, decides that he must save Palpatine from the clutches of the vile Jedi MACE WINDU! So, he chops off Windu's hand and has Palpatine blast him to death with some more of that sweet, sweet Force lightning. He does this for two reasons: 1) He wishes to have Palpatine stand trial and 2) He wants to learn the secrets of keeping people alive so that Padme won't die. However, reason number one goes out the window (along with Mace Windu) as soon as he chops of Mace's hand. In the course of two minutes, Anakin has gone from the Jedi who wants to turn in Palpatine and bring him to trial, to the Jedi who is surrendering to Palpatine, becoming his apprentice and slaughtering a room full of children.

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To say that Chewbacca has a useless part in Revenge of the Sith would be putting it lightly. Aside from having Yoda crawl all over him like he was some sort of jungle gym, he seems to serve absolutely no purpose in the administrative or military actions on Kashyyyk. Presumably, the only purpose he serves is to give fanboys tingles up their spines. And in case you are an alien, from another planet, that was born yesterday, and is really, really, tremendously out of touch with the world around you, Yoda conveniently says, "Goodbye... Chew... bacc... a." This is followed with a six-minute still of Chewbacca's big Wookiee head as he howls for the camera.

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At one point, the two Jedi stand mere feet apart and begin twirling their lightsabers in a way so idiotic that it not only leaves them both completely vulnerable to any form of attack, but simultaneously offers absolutely no chance of inflicting any damage on the other. I would imagine that it is a move better suited for retired Jedi who have taken their talents to the circus and street shows rather than for actual combat. I like to call it the Cirque du Soleil technique.

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In one of many scenes that seems like it should be referencing something from earlier in the movie, Obi-Wan tells Anakin not to jump up at him because he has the "higher ground." Apparently, Obi-Wan has a terrific advantage, being five feet above Anakin at this point. (The entire time Obi-Wan spent climbing up the melting arm of the station, ten feet above Anakin, apparently did not count for anything.) At any rate, Obi-Wan appears to be right because when Anakin chooses to use the stupidest possible attack - Yoda's patented Sonic the Hedgehog flip attack - he comes up three limbs shorter than when he started and Obi-Wan is left looking down at his dismembered body.

Brikar · 08-12-2005, 02:32 AM

I keep finding more worth adding... DAMN this movie sucked.

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When are filmmakers going to learn that you should never, ever, under any circumstances, have a scene where the main character shouts "Nooooooooooo!" as the camera pulls back? People just keep doing it! It is, by far, the second worst thing any filmmaker can do to a movie, after having a character smile and/or wink at the camera.

Bean · 08-12-2005, 03:36 AM

Fuck you... really, fuck you...

Brikar · 08-12-2005, 04:09 AM

I know the truth hurts, Bean. But it's for your own good.

08-12-2005, 03:36 AM	#3 (permalink)
Bean The Awesome One Join Date: Dec 1969 Location: Canada eh! Posts: 5,055	Fuck you... really, fuck you... __________________ "I haven't faced death. I've cheated death. I've tricked my way out of death and patted myself on the back for my ingenuity. I know nothing." --James T. Kirk

08-12-2005, 04:09 AM	#4 (permalink)
Brikar The Dude Join Date: Dec 1969 Location: Massachusetts Posts: 3,606	I know the truth hurts, Bean. But it's for your own good. __________________ "A million monkeys typing until the end of time will produce the complete works of William Shakespeare. Ten thousand monkeys typing for ten thousand years will write a Hemingway. Ten monkeys typing over Columbus Day weekend will give you a Dan Brown." http://olympusmans.blogspot.com http://benforrealz.blogspot.com

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