I really need critiques...

Brikar · 02-24-2005, 03:57 AM

I want to get this one published, so I really need some honest critiques... and I think you guys are the mean bastards to give 'em to me!

I do hope you enjoy it, though. But if you have even the slightest of problems with any part, or if you pick up a spelling error or something, please, let me know.

My main concerns are that it's boring in the middle and muddled at the end.

Bean · 02-24-2005, 09:20 AM

I'll read it tonight when I get home from work.

Stag · 02-24-2005, 12:23 PM

OK, before I read it, I will tell you upfront as your friend...you stink. There's your critique, I'll go read yor work now.

Cymro · 02-24-2005, 12:31 PM

fuck, it's like 10 pages long!

Brikar · 02-24-2005, 04:21 PM

....yeah. My bad.

Brikar · 03-01-2005, 02:06 AM

So........ did it suck?

Cymro · 03-01-2005, 11:21 AM

To be honest, I don't have the commitment to read something that long anymore, you can thank the TV for that.

Gitch · 03-01-2005, 01:59 PM

You big tease Brikar! A nice idea for a short story - are you planning on submitting it to an anthology?

The last page has "nether" rather than "ether".

You may want to remove references that "date" the story, for example the reference to a USB port or plasma screens. I only say this because if you read other SciFi authors who wrote a lot of short fiction, the stories don't always age terribly well. Some of Arthur C Clarke's work seems really dated and quaint today, even when its set in the future, because of his terminology. He talks about valves and circuit boards when describing that collosal computer that becomes sentient (I forget which story it features in). In as little as 5 years time the idea of pluging your camera into the printer via a USB port may seem old fashioned - already you can buy cameras with WiFi. Similarly Plasma screens will be old fashioned soon. Nowhere else in the story do you give clues to the date - it could be 1990 or it could be 2020 - it seems a bit of a shame to tie your story down to 2000 to 2006, when it could be more timeless. Just my opinion.

Brikar · 03-01-2005, 03:57 PM

Thanks, Gitch, that is a good point about dating it. It hadn't entered into my mind at all when I was writing it.

Cymro · 03-01-2005, 04:33 PM

Personally, I think they should have more USB peripherals on Enterprise

02-24-2005, 09:20 AM	#2 (permalink)
Bean The Awesome One Join Date: Dec 1969 Location: Canada eh! Posts: 4,858	I'll read it tonight when I get home from work. __________________ "I haven't faced death. I've cheated death. I've tricked my way out of death and patted myself on the back for my ingenuity. I know nothing." --James T. Kirk

02-24-2005, 12:23 PM	#3 (permalink)
Stag It's me again Join Date: Jan 1970 Location: Florida Posts: 3,286	OK, before I read it, I will tell you upfront as your friend...you stink. There's your critique, I'll go read yor work now. __________________ "I want to do a motorboat on Shatner's manboobs" - Sam Cogley

02-24-2005, 12:31 PM	#4 (permalink)
Cymro King of the Gerbils Join Date: Nov 1999 Location: Where everyone drinks and everyone smokes and no one speaks unless there's something to say Posts: 4,752	fuck, it's like 10 pages long! __________________ "Let me tell you something about humans, nephew: They're a wonderful, friendly people - as long as their bellies are full and their holosuites are working. "But take away their creature comforts, deprive them of food, sleep, sonic showers, put their lives in jeopardy over an extended period of time and those friendly, intelligent, wonderful people...will become as nasty and as violent as the most blood-thirsty klingon."

02-24-2005, 04:21 PM	#5 (permalink)
Brikar The Dude Join Date: Dec 1969 Location: Massachusetts Posts: 3,285	....yeah. My bad. __________________ "A million monkeys typing until the end of time will produce the complete works of William Shakespeare. Ten thousand monkeys typing for ten thousand years will write a Hemingway. Ten monkeys typing over Columbus Day weekend will give you a Dan Brown." http://olympusmans.blogspot.com http://benforrealz.blogspot.com

03-01-2005, 02:06 AM	#6 (permalink)
Brikar The Dude Join Date: Dec 1969 Location: Massachusetts Posts: 3,285	So........ did it suck? __________________ "A million monkeys typing until the end of time will produce the complete works of William Shakespeare. Ten thousand monkeys typing for ten thousand years will write a Hemingway. Ten monkeys typing over Columbus Day weekend will give you a Dan Brown." http://olympusmans.blogspot.com http://benforrealz.blogspot.com

03-01-2005, 11:21 AM	#7 (permalink)
Cymro King of the Gerbils Join Date: Nov 1999 Location: Where everyone drinks and everyone smokes and no one speaks unless there's something to say Posts: 4,752	To be honest, I don't have the commitment to read something that long anymore, you can thank the TV for that. __________________ "Let me tell you something about humans, nephew: They're a wonderful, friendly people - as long as their bellies are full and their holosuites are working. "But take away their creature comforts, deprive them of food, sleep, sonic showers, put their lives in jeopardy over an extended period of time and those friendly, intelligent, wonderful people...will become as nasty and as violent as the most blood-thirsty klingon."

03-01-2005, 01:59 PM	#8 (permalink)
Gitch Consultant Fellationist Join Date: Dec 1969 Location: God's own country merry England Posts: 435	You big tease Brikar! A nice idea for a short story - are you planning on submitting it to an anthology? The last page has "nether" rather than "ether". You may want to remove references that "date" the story, for example the reference to a USB port or plasma screens. I only say this because if you read other SciFi authors who wrote a lot of short fiction, the stories don't always age terribly well. Some of Arthur C Clarke's work seems really dated and quaint today, even when its set in the future, because of his terminology. He talks about valves and circuit boards when describing that collosal computer that becomes sentient (I forget which story it features in). In as little as 5 years time the idea of pluging your camera into the printer via a USB port may seem old fashioned - already you can buy cameras with WiFi. Similarly Plasma screens will be old fashioned soon. Nowhere else in the story do you give clues to the date - it could be 1990 or it could be 2020 - it seems a bit of a shame to tie your story down to 2000 to 2006, when it could be more timeless. Just my opinion. __________________ If masturbation is self-abuse - you are obviously doing it wrong.

03-01-2005, 03:57 PM	#9 (permalink)
Brikar The Dude Join Date: Dec 1969 Location: Massachusetts Posts: 3,285	Thanks, Gitch, that is a good point about dating it. It hadn't entered into my mind at all when I was writing it. __________________ "A million monkeys typing until the end of time will produce the complete works of William Shakespeare. Ten thousand monkeys typing for ten thousand years will write a Hemingway. Ten monkeys typing over Columbus Day weekend will give you a Dan Brown." http://olympusmans.blogspot.com http://benforrealz.blogspot.com

03-01-2005, 04:33 PM	#10 (permalink)
Cymro King of the Gerbils Join Date: Nov 1999 Location: Where everyone drinks and everyone smokes and no one speaks unless there's something to say Posts: 4,752	Personally, I think they should have more USB peripherals on Enterprise __________________ "Let me tell you something about humans, nephew: They're a wonderful, friendly people - as long as their bellies are full and their holosuites are working. "But take away their creature comforts, deprive them of food, sleep, sonic showers, put their lives in jeopardy over an extended period of time and those friendly, intelligent, wonderful people...will become as nasty and as violent as the most blood-thirsty klingon."

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