An unfinished story - Page 2

Brikar · 04-14-2005, 12:13 AM

The story could use some streamlining in a few places. For example, you have a sentence that says:

Quote:

The lights which ran along the ceilings, which barely illuminated the corridors sufficiently even on a good day, were flickering and buzzing. Many had gone out completely.

A slight change makes it flow a bit better:

Quote:

The lights which ran along the ceilings, barely illuminating the corridors sufficiently even on a good day, were flickering and buzzing. Many had gone out completely.

The description of the subspace TV is a bit too much for something that really doesn't matter to your story. Instead of adding to the "realism" of the world you're creating, it just kind of bores the reader as you focus on irrelevenat details. Perhaps you could have something like:

Quote:

He turned off the TV (which, although still called a "TV" bore little resemblance to that archaic device).

Also, the mention of concepts like "subspace" common though they may be, inevitably draws sci-fi readers to comparisons with "Star Trek". It's hard after 40 years (especially harder for fans) to pull one's writing away from "Trek", which I think you're trying to do here. But there are times when the story feels like it could be right on the bridge of the Enterprise or any other Federation ship. Mentions of hull breaches and sealing off decks is hard to get around, but you might try rewording it and inventing some new jargon or something.

All that aside, I have to say the bits I like the most are the ones with the Muslim character relating to the crew around him, rather than the "action-packed" climax. To be honest, I think you should remove it, and have a more character-based, introspective story about this man and use him to explore a future where the relations between Islam and Christianity and everyone else is still strained for whatever reasons. Perhaps, even out in the vast emptiness of space, the world still seems cramped to these people. Use your tiny starship as a metaphor, maybe.

Cymro · 04-14-2005, 02:04 AM

Brikar, you're starting to sound like a woman critic, I say bring on the fistfights and explosions!

iamspenagain · 04-14-2005, 05:43 AM

Thanks for the critique, I'll take that stuff to heart.

Quote:

Brikar stopped drinking long enough to mumble

All that aside, I have to say the bits I like the most are the ones with the Muslim character relating to the crew around him, rather than the "action-packed" climax. To be honest, I think you should remove it, and have a more character-based, introspective story about this man and use him to explore a future where the relations between Islam and Christianity and everyone else is still strained for whatever reasons. Perhaps, even out in the vast emptiness of space, the world still seems cramped to these people. Use your tiny starship as a metaphor, maybe.

That was the plan. However, I needed to end it somehow because I didn't think my classmates would appreciate a 40-page monstrosity. I wanted to show the two sides of the crew while still ending the story. Of course, that can't be done without some sort of crisis situation. The story will continue to be character-driven, and will quite likely be edited to make Ackbar the central character with a limited third-person narrative, as per the suggestions of my professor.

Apparently, my classmates and my teacher really like the character of Ahmed Ackbar. I think it's because he's a character type they've never seen before in science fiction, and because his quiet pride isn't used much in literature at all.

Cymro · 04-14-2005, 05:27 PM

Wait, if Akbar's there, where's Jeff?

Brikar · 04-15-2005, 12:25 AM

Quote:

iamspen stopped drinking long enough to mumble

Thanks for the critique, I'll take that stuff to heart.

That was the plan. However, I needed to end it somehow because I didn't think my classmates would appreciate a 40-page monstrosity. I wanted to show the two sides of the crew while still ending the story. Of course, that can't be done without some sort of crisis situation. The story will continue to be character-driven, and will quite likely be edited to make Ackbar the central character with a limited third-person narrative, as per the suggestions of my professor.

Apparently, my classmates and my teacher really like the character of Ahmed Ackbar. I think it's because he's a character type they've never seen before in science fiction, and because his quiet pride isn't used much in literature at all.

Fuck your classmates. Do it your way. That's what writing's all about, man.

Bean · 04-15-2005, 12:50 AM

I think a woman in a catsuit is your only hope to improve it spen.

Cymro · 04-15-2005, 01:03 AM

No no no!!!! Writing's about making money by sitting in your bedroom all day, taking drugs till you get an idea for a story, then writing it when you're sober.

04-14-2005, 02:04 AM	#12 (permalink)
Cymro Religious Fanatic Join Date: Nov 1999 Location: Shitsville, CF63 Posts: 4,912	Brikar, you're starting to sound like a woman critic, I say bring on the fistfights and explosions! __________________ "Let me tell you something about humans, nephew: They're a wonderful, friendly people - as long as their bellies are full and their holosuites are working. "But take away their creature comforts, deprive them of food, sleep, sonic showers, put their lives in jeopardy over an extended period of time and those friendly, intelligent, wonderful people...will become as nasty and as violent as the most blood-thirsty klingon."

04-14-2005, 05:27 PM	#14 (permalink)
Cymro Religious Fanatic Join Date: Nov 1999 Location: Shitsville, CF63 Posts: 4,912	Wait, if Akbar's there, where's Jeff? __________________ "Let me tell you something about humans, nephew: They're a wonderful, friendly people - as long as their bellies are full and their holosuites are working. "But take away their creature comforts, deprive them of food, sleep, sonic showers, put their lives in jeopardy over an extended period of time and those friendly, intelligent, wonderful people...will become as nasty and as violent as the most blood-thirsty klingon."

04-15-2005, 12:50 AM	#16 (permalink)
Bean The Awesome One Join Date: Jan 1970 Location: Canada eh! Posts: 5,036	I think a woman in a catsuit is your only hope to improve it spen. __________________ "I haven't faced death. I've cheated death. I've tricked my way out of death and patted myself on the back for my ingenuity. I know nothing." --James T. Kirk

04-15-2005, 01:03 AM	#17 (permalink)
Cymro Religious Fanatic Join Date: Nov 1999 Location: Shitsville, CF63 Posts: 4,912	No no no!!!! Writing's about making money by sitting in your bedroom all day, taking drugs till you get an idea for a story, then writing it when you're sober. __________________ "Let me tell you something about humans, nephew: They're a wonderful, friendly people - as long as their bellies are full and their holosuites are working. "But take away their creature comforts, deprive them of food, sleep, sonic showers, put their lives in jeopardy over an extended period of time and those friendly, intelligent, wonderful people...will become as nasty and as violent as the most blood-thirsty klingon."

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