"Astro Bar: The Next Remodel" A Comedie

The Lensman · 07-09-2003, 10:26 AM

(Two figures stand in a virtual bar, a barkeep bringing them virtual drinks)

Cujo: It is done. Astro Bar 2.0 is......gone. Alas that it should come so and thusly. Wither the Astro Bar?

The Visitor: Aye. And amidst these bitter ashes doth the old home calleth.

Cujo: What sayest thou?

The Visitor: Trekweb doth beckon the Patrons to return to that place which spawned the Astro Bar.

Cujo: Verily there is some small comfort in that, given the foul and malodious end of our beloved bar. To return to the bossom that gave rise to no end of virtual drunkeness.......

The Visitor: And violence...

Cujo: Violence and a slew of post whoring the likes of which God himself could not have imagined, though his mind be the source of infinite splendor in all things.

The Visitor: Wouldst thou have us turn and face the road we have travelled? Or wouldst thou have us look forward to the tomorrows that have yet to be?

Cujo: For this I must look to the teachings of The Lensman.

The Visitor: Aye, all drinks be on The Lensman. Verily, I say, this drink in mine own hand, and in thou's, be-est on The Lensman. His pocket as deep as the universe is endless.

Cujo: Nay, dolt. The other teaching.

The Visitor: Aye, three plays for a nickel. Or is mine own brain addled so by the siren call of mead that I mistake three for five?

Cujo: Thy thoughts are meandering, friend Visitor. The OTHER teaching of friend Lensman.

The Visitor: The giving of a handful of coins to those freshly arrived at our meager doorstep?

Cujo: Nay!

The Visitor: Be it that whole "respect" thing? Surely, thou must mean that!

Cujo: Nay!

The Visitor: The imbibing of copious amounts of liquor and of chaotic and violent action?

Cujo: Nay, cretin!

The Visitor: I say to thee, screweth this! And dispense with the cloak of mystery! Yield now that with which thy tempt and anger me.

Cujo: Verily, too much mead doth make of thee a dullard...

The Visitor: Foul! Foul! I say.....

Cujo: Yes, yes, for in truth there is only the foul reflections of bitter reality.

The Visitor: Thou art wandering many a tangent. My mind doth reel at thy failure to simply state that which is plaguing thy mind.

Cujo: The Bar must go on!

The Visitor: Aye, that much I know. But what is this elusive teaching of The Lensman that thou hast alluded to? Overly much and with the taking of precious time. Time that can no more be recaputered, than the innocence of long forgotten youth. What, pray tell, is that teaching?

Cujo: Nay, that it is it. The Bar must go on!

The Visitor: Were it not for the mead that has addled my senses, I wouldst surely layeth the smack down on thee. For thou hast wasted precious time. The Bar must go on is surely a given to those of us who bear, and bear it proudly, the title of Patron.

Cujo: Righteth.

The Visitor: Oh, I shall see to it that the Bar doth go on. It shall not perish with Astro Bar 2.0. No, there shall come a day when Astro Bar 3.0 riseth from the ashes of the old.

Cujo: Thou art a saint. Truly, and let me buyeth thee a drink. Barkeep! A round of mead and liquor for all that be here, but most especially, good Visitor!

Barkeep: Aye!

Cujo: But beware. There is a burden, mayhap a curse. For now YOU have become the third to assume the lordship of the Astro Bar. First The Lensman, then myself. It may weigh heavily on you, the responsibility.
May your time be peaceful, free of bickering and anger. Tho' I cannot say that I will miss it.

The Visitor: Well friend Lensman is fronting the bill, so verily, there will be much drinking and mirth making. Woe to us should he ever live to see the final tally.

Cujo: Aye.........the final tally. Surely a number vaster than the grains of sand in this world, or the stars in the sky beyond it. Aye......the final tally.
Who's mind could contain such a number?

The Visitor: Surely not Cymro's (verily this be a cheap shot)

Cujo: HaHaHa!! Thou art in good form this day, friend Visitor.

The Visitor: Truly, mine own wit dost, at times, slay even me!

Cujo: Aye.

The Visitor: Aye.

Cujo: Aye.

The Visitor: Aye.

Cujo: Wouldst that we could stay on topic.

The Visitor: Aye.

Cujo: Aye.

(Enter Cymro)

Cymro: Sparketh a joint, and let us make merry in the smoking of it!!

Cujo: If ever there were a course of action that could instill the heart with such passion, and the brain the will to enact it...it be this!

(Cujo sparks a joint, takes a looong hit. Holds, exhales. Hit's again, exhales, hit's again, rolls his eyes as if he's having a conversation with someone, (probably in his head), exhales)

Cymro: Verily, thou art bogarting that joint. In truth, I wouldst bitch slap thee for thy transgression, but this place.....it is a place of peace. Tho' there be those who think it is but a place for drunken brawls.

The Visitor: Aye Cujo, thou art truly bogarting that joint. I implore thee.....pass it on.

Cujo: Forgive me, freinds. The lure of the herb was too great. Long has it been since I ........

Cymro: Yes! Yes! Pass it on before the length of thy speech doth burn it to naught and the two of us bitter at it's passing.

(Passes to Cymro who hit's the thing with vigour)

Cymro: Ah, sweet, sweet Chiba. Wouldst that I had never known thee.

The Visitor: The weed's the thing! Puff, puff and pass it on, old friend!

(Cymro passes to Visitor who puffs)

The Visitor: Good times, my freinds, good times!

Cujo and Cymro: Aye! Indeed!

Arik · 07-09-2003, 02:05 PM

So, how did you get your hands on the IM transcripts?

Cujo · 07-09-2003, 02:51 PM

Thats fucking hilarious Lens!

Yes... how did you get you hands on our IM transcripts?

Ah... it almost feels like home already.

Cymro · 07-15-2003, 07:27 AM

LOL!

This is probably the most I've ever laughed at anything on paper (You know what I mean).

Deslok · 07-15-2003, 08:59 AM

LOL, do they say "chiba" in Wales? I haven't heard that term in years!

Sirgets · 07-15-2003, 12:31 PM

Oh i needed that this morning ....fucking laughed my ass off.

Stag · 07-25-2003, 05:02 PM

Christ, I just read this, bravo, BRAVO indeed!!!

I could not stop laughing. I tip my cap to you Lensman.

Bean · 07-26-2003, 02:08 AM

Oh my dear god....

trekker2001 · 08-04-2003, 07:36 PM

Wow. I didnt think my roommate could give me a wierder look if he tried. That was way way way, like sinfully, too funny

Awesome dude. Now where do I come in

Trek01

NortheastOfMostOfYa · 08-27-2003, 08:36 PM

Bravo Bravo! Well done!

Aye. Aye. Aye.

07-09-2003, 10:26 AM	#1 (permalink)
The Lensman The Original Patron Join Date: Dec 1969 Location: Earth, Sol, Milky Way Posts: 269	(Two figures stand in a virtual bar, a barkeep bringing them virtual drinks) Cujo: It is done. Astro Bar 2.0 is......gone. Alas that it should come so and thusly. Wither the Astro Bar? The Visitor: Aye. And amidst these bitter ashes doth the old home calleth. Cujo: What sayest thou? The Visitor: Trekweb doth beckon the Patrons to return to that place which spawned the Astro Bar. Cujo: Verily there is some small comfort in that, given the foul and malodious end of our beloved bar. To return to the bossom that gave rise to no end of virtual drunkeness....... The Visitor: And violence... Cujo: Violence and a slew of post whoring the likes of which God himself could not have imagined, though his mind be the source of infinite splendor in all things. The Visitor: Wouldst thou have us turn and face the road we have travelled? Or wouldst thou have us look forward to the tomorrows that have yet to be? Cujo: For this I must look to the teachings of The Lensman. The Visitor: Aye, all drinks be on The Lensman. Verily, I say, this drink in mine own hand, and in thou's, be-est on The Lensman. His pocket as deep as the universe is endless. Cujo: Nay, dolt. The other teaching. The Visitor: Aye, three plays for a nickel. Or is mine own brain addled so by the siren call of mead that I mistake three for five? Cujo: Thy thoughts are meandering, friend Visitor. The OTHER teaching of friend Lensman. The Visitor: The giving of a handful of coins to those freshly arrived at our meager doorstep? Cujo: Nay! The Visitor: Be it that whole "respect" thing? Surely, thou must mean that! Cujo: Nay! The Visitor: The imbibing of copious amounts of liquor and of chaotic and violent action? Cujo: Nay, cretin! The Visitor: I say to thee, screweth this! And dispense with the cloak of mystery! Yield now that with which thy tempt and anger me. Cujo: Verily, too much mead doth make of thee a dullard... The Visitor: Foul! Foul! I say..... Cujo: Yes, yes, for in truth there is only the foul reflections of bitter reality. The Visitor: Thou art wandering many a tangent. My mind doth reel at thy failure to simply state that which is plaguing thy mind. Cujo: The Bar must go on! The Visitor: Aye, that much I know. But what is this elusive teaching of The Lensman that thou hast alluded to? Overly much and with the taking of precious time. Time that can no more be recaputered, than the innocence of long forgotten youth. What, pray tell, is that teaching? Cujo: Nay, that it is it. The Bar must go on! The Visitor: Were it not for the mead that has addled my senses, I wouldst surely layeth the smack down on thee. For thou hast wasted precious time. The Bar must go on is surely a given to those of us who bear, and bear it proudly, the title of Patron. Cujo: Righteth. The Visitor: Oh, I shall see to it that the Bar doth go on. It shall not perish with Astro Bar 2.0. No, there shall come a day when Astro Bar 3.0 riseth from the ashes of the old. Cujo: Thou art a saint. Truly, and let me buyeth thee a drink. Barkeep! A round of mead and liquor for all that be here, but most especially, good Visitor! Barkeep: Aye! Cujo: But beware. There is a burden, mayhap a curse. For now YOU have become the third to assume the lordship of the Astro Bar. First The Lensman, then myself. It may weigh heavily on you, the responsibility. May your time be peaceful, free of bickering and anger. Tho' I cannot say that I will miss it. The Visitor: Well friend Lensman is fronting the bill, so verily, there will be much drinking and mirth making. Woe to us should he ever live to see the final tally. Cujo: Aye.........the final tally. Surely a number vaster than the grains of sand in this world, or the stars in the sky beyond it. Aye......the final tally. Who's mind could contain such a number? The Visitor: Surely not Cymro's (verily this be a cheap shot) Cujo: HaHaHa!! Thou art in good form this day, friend Visitor. The Visitor: Truly, mine own wit dost, at times, slay even me! Cujo: Aye. The Visitor: Aye. Cujo: Aye. The Visitor: Aye. Cujo: Wouldst that we could stay on topic. The Visitor: Aye. Cujo: Aye. (Enter Cymro) Cymro: Sparketh a joint, and let us make merry in the smoking of it!! Cujo: If ever there were a course of action that could instill the heart with such passion, and the brain the will to enact it...it be this! (Cujo sparks a joint, takes a looong hit. Holds, exhales. Hit's again, exhales, hit's again, rolls his eyes as if he's having a conversation with someone, (probably in his head), exhales) Cymro: Verily, thou art bogarting that joint. In truth, I wouldst bitch slap thee for thy transgression, but this place.....it is a place of peace. Tho' there be those who think it is but a place for drunken brawls. The Visitor: Aye Cujo, thou art truly bogarting that joint. I implore thee.....pass it on. Cujo: Forgive me, freinds. The lure of the herb was too great. Long has it been since I ........ Cymro: Yes! Yes! Pass it on before the length of thy speech doth burn it to naught and the two of us bitter at it's passing. (Passes to Cymro who hit's the thing with vigour) Cymro: Ah, sweet, sweet Chiba. Wouldst that I had never known thee. The Visitor: The weed's the thing! Puff, puff and pass it on, old friend! (Cymro passes to Visitor who puffs) The Visitor: Good times, my freinds, good times! Cujo and Cymro: Aye! Indeed! __________________ Everyone Booze Up And Riot!!! Milk and Cheese

07-09-2003, 02:05 PM	#2 (permalink)
Arik Astro-Monkey Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Here, dumbfuck! Posts: 2,246	So, how did you get your hands on the IM transcripts? __________________ The writers of this post apologize for you being too stupid to understand it.

07-09-2003, 02:51 PM	#3 (permalink)
Cujo Lover AND a Fighter Join Date: Dec 1969 Location: Canada eh! Posts: 758	Thats fucking hilarious Lens! Yes... how did you get you hands on our IM transcripts? Ah... it almost feels like home already. __________________

07-15-2003, 07:27 AM	#4 (permalink)
Cymro King of the Gerbils Join Date: Nov 1999 Location: Where everyone drinks and everyone smokes and no one speaks unless there's something to say Posts: 4,752	LOL! This is probably the most I've ever laughed at anything on paper (You know what I mean). __________________ "Let me tell you something about humans, nephew: They're a wonderful, friendly people - as long as their bellies are full and their holosuites are working. "But take away their creature comforts, deprive them of food, sleep, sonic showers, put their lives in jeopardy over an extended period of time and those friendly, intelligent, wonderful people...will become as nasty and as violent as the most blood-thirsty klingon."

07-15-2003, 08:59 AM	#5 (permalink)
Deslok regruntled and reemployed Join Date: Dec 1969 Location: in front of the computer Posts: 1,221	LOL, do they say "chiba" in Wales? I haven't heard that term in years! __________________

07-15-2003, 12:31 PM	#6 (permalink)
Sirgets AKA SIRGETS Join Date: Dec 1969 Location: CANADA EH! Posts: 1,117	Oh i needed that this morning ....fucking laughed my ass off.

07-25-2003, 05:02 PM	#7 (permalink)
Stag It's me again Join Date: Jan 1970 Location: Florida Posts: 3,286	Christ, I just read this, bravo, BRAVO indeed!!! I could not stop laughing. I tip my cap to you Lensman. __________________ "I want to do a motorboat on Shatner's manboobs" - Sam Cogley

07-26-2003, 02:08 AM	#8 (permalink)
Bean The Awesome One Join Date: Dec 1969 Location: Canada eh! Posts: 4,858	Oh my dear god.... __________________ "I haven't faced death. I've cheated death. I've tricked my way out of death and patted myself on the back for my ingenuity. I know nothing." --James T. Kirk

08-04-2003, 07:36 PM	#9 (permalink)
trekker2001 Patrons Join Date: Dec 1969 Location: North Dakota - School/North Idaho - Home Posts: 40	Wow. I didnt think my roommate could give me a wierder look if he tried. That was way way way, like sinfully, too funny Awesome dude. Now where do I come in Trek01 __________________ "...Scientists are a friendly, atheistic, hard-working, beer-drinking lot whose minds are preoccupied with sex, chess and baseball when they are not preoccupied with science." --Life of Pi, by Yann Martel

08-27-2003, 08:36 PM	#10 (permalink)
NortheastOfMostOfYa Senior Member Join Date: Dec 1969 Location: New Hamster Posts: 162	Bravo Bravo! Well done! Aye. Aye. Aye. __________________ From the state where death is mentioned on its license plate "Everybody Wang Chung tonight!"

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