An excerpt from a reboot ep I'm working on...

Cymro · 02-18-2006, 01:15 AM

Quote:

INT. REAR LOUNGE
We are in a small, dark room with a few chairs and coffee tables, with a window that overlooks the rear of the Enterprise. We see the silhouette of McCoy, against the window. He is staring at the streaking stars as they pass by.

ENTER SPOCK.

SPOCK
Good evening, Doctor… Am I intruding?

MCCOY
No, Spock, I was just… I couldn’t sleep. What are you doing here?

Spock joins McCoy at the window; they both stare outward as they talk.

SPOCK
I find this view to be most… soothing. I assume you’re suffering from insomnia because you are troubled by the deaths of Crewmen Wilks and Simcoe?

MCCOY
It’s not just that, Spock. For god’s sake, we just saw a whole planet, a whole civilization die, in the blink of an eye. Billions of people – gone. (Clicks his fingers) Just like that…

SPOCK
It is, indeed unfortunate.

McCoy gives Spock a short glance, with a slight look of annoyance, then shakes his head.

MCCOY
Y’know, as much as I may get pissed off at you for being such a cold hearted son of a bitch, Spock, there are times I can’t help but envy you -you can sit back and watch as Billions of people die, and have it not effect you.

SPOCK
Indeed, there are many advantages to being Vulcan.

McCoy shakes his head again, simultaneously taking a deep breath.

MCCOY
So you keep telling me. (pauses)
Did any of your people ever believe in God, Spock?

SPOCK
Long ago, before we adopted logic, there were many Vulcans who believed in deities, similar to your Christo-Judean God, and others of that nature.

MCCOY
What do you believe, Spock?

SPOCK
I believe in Science.

MCCOY
(sighs)
I should have known. Well, I’m going to try and get some sleep, I’ve got an early shift tomorrow.

McCoy turns around and heads toward the door. Spock looks over his shoulder.

SPOCK
There is one specific law of science that I hold above all others.

McCoy turns around to face Spock

MCCOY
And which one is that?

SPOCK
For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. I believe, perhaps, that there is a certain balance in the universe. For every wrong, there is, somewhere a right. For every death, there is new life. For every feeling of great pain, loss, there is a feeling of immense joy, and those are the times, Doctor, where perhaps I envy you.

MCCOY
I suppose one man’s cloud can be another’s silver lining. (pause) Spock, what are you doing here?

Spock turns around to face McCoy.

SPOCK
I couldn’t sleep.

MCCOY
(Smiles)
Maybe there’s hope for you yet, Mr. Spock.

McCoy leaves the room, and Spock turns back to look at the stars pass by. We zoom out the window, streak through space and find ourselves on a distant planet. We zoom into a pit of primordial goo. With a tiny, brief flash of light we see the creation of a protein molecule.

FADE OUT.

END OF ACT IV

I'm worried that this may be a little too illogical for Spock.

Thoughts?

Cymro · 02-18-2006, 02:46 AM

Seriously, I need an opinion here

Brikar · 02-18-2006, 02:50 AM

My only problem is Spock pretty much agreeing with McCoy that he's not effected by the deaths of billions of people. There's no way he's not; even a full-blooded Vulcan would have admitted that it was a horrible tragedy... which he sort of does a few moments later, but the one line where he says there are advantages feels totally wrong.

Cymro · 02-18-2006, 03:07 AM

Thank you, there are a few things that bug me about it, but I wasn't sure what. The reason I posted it was so I could get an objective opinion. With art I tend to be overly self-critical, but with writing I am the opposite.

I'm trying to make a scene where McCoy gets a deeper understanding of Spock, because they obviously argue a lot and almost act like they hate eachother, but underneath that they're acctually good friends, and I'm trying to get that in there.

Brikar · 02-18-2006, 03:18 AM

I think you've easily accomplished that in the last few lines of the exchange, but that one bit about it not effecting him was a problem.

You should omit it completely, and just have McCoy sigh and shake his head, and then continue on, changing the subject with "Did your people ever believe in god?"

Cymro · 02-18-2006, 03:22 AM

Yeah, I already went back and did it.

But do you think that speech about his beliefs is too out of character?

Brikar · 02-18-2006, 03:25 AM

No, not at all. I like it.

Cymro · 02-18-2006, 03:46 AM

Thanks

Bean · 02-18-2006, 05:26 AM

I really like it as well Cymro. When do you figure it'll be ready for a full read?

Cymro · 02-18-2006, 01:16 PM

I'll probably have a full draft of it by next weekend, so far I've written this part and the first two acts. I know it's weird writing the ending before the middle, but this idea came to me while I was writing act one, and I didn't want to forget it. It kinda helps too, because it gives the story a destination.

EDIT: I just realised that the speech also explains the relationship between Spock and McCoy

02-18-2006, 02:46 AM	#2 (permalink)
Cymro King of the Gerbils Join Date: Nov 1999 Location: Where everyone drinks and everyone smokes and no one speaks unless there's something to say Posts: 4,752	Re: An excerpt from a reboot ep I'm working on... Seriously, I need an opinion here __________________ "Let me tell you something about humans, nephew: They're a wonderful, friendly people - as long as their bellies are full and their holosuites are working. "But take away their creature comforts, deprive them of food, sleep, sonic showers, put their lives in jeopardy over an extended period of time and those friendly, intelligent, wonderful people...will become as nasty and as violent as the most blood-thirsty klingon."

02-18-2006, 02:50 AM	#3 (permalink)
Brikar The Dude Join Date: Dec 1969 Location: Massachusetts Posts: 3,285	Re: An excerpt from a reboot ep I'm working on... My only problem is Spock pretty much agreeing with McCoy that he's not effected by the deaths of billions of people. There's no way he's not; even a full-blooded Vulcan would have admitted that it was a horrible tragedy... which he sort of does a few moments later, but the one line where he says there are advantages feels totally wrong. __________________ "A million monkeys typing until the end of time will produce the complete works of William Shakespeare. Ten thousand monkeys typing for ten thousand years will write a Hemingway. Ten monkeys typing over Columbus Day weekend will give you a Dan Brown." http://olympusmans.blogspot.com http://benforrealz.blogspot.com

02-18-2006, 03:07 AM	#4 (permalink)
Cymro King of the Gerbils Join Date: Nov 1999 Location: Where everyone drinks and everyone smokes and no one speaks unless there's something to say Posts: 4,752	Re: An excerpt from a reboot ep I'm working on... Thank you, there are a few things that bug me about it, but I wasn't sure what. The reason I posted it was so I could get an objective opinion. With art I tend to be overly self-critical, but with writing I am the opposite. I'm trying to make a scene where McCoy gets a deeper understanding of Spock, because they obviously argue a lot and almost act like they hate eachother, but underneath that they're acctually good friends, and I'm trying to get that in there. __________________ "Let me tell you something about humans, nephew: They're a wonderful, friendly people - as long as their bellies are full and their holosuites are working. "But take away their creature comforts, deprive them of food, sleep, sonic showers, put their lives in jeopardy over an extended period of time and those friendly, intelligent, wonderful people...will become as nasty and as violent as the most blood-thirsty klingon."

02-18-2006, 03:18 AM	#5 (permalink)
Brikar The Dude Join Date: Dec 1969 Location: Massachusetts Posts: 3,285	Re: An excerpt from a reboot ep I'm working on... I think you've easily accomplished that in the last few lines of the exchange, but that one bit about it not effecting him was a problem. You should omit it completely, and just have McCoy sigh and shake his head, and then continue on, changing the subject with "Did your people ever believe in god?" __________________ "A million monkeys typing until the end of time will produce the complete works of William Shakespeare. Ten thousand monkeys typing for ten thousand years will write a Hemingway. Ten monkeys typing over Columbus Day weekend will give you a Dan Brown." http://olympusmans.blogspot.com http://benforrealz.blogspot.com

02-18-2006, 03:22 AM	#6 (permalink)
Cymro King of the Gerbils Join Date: Nov 1999 Location: Where everyone drinks and everyone smokes and no one speaks unless there's something to say Posts: 4,752 View Edit History:	Re: An excerpt from a reboot ep I'm working on... Yeah, I already went back and did it. But do you think that speech about his beliefs is too out of character? __________________ "Let me tell you something about humans, nephew: They're a wonderful, friendly people - as long as their bellies are full and their holosuites are working. "But take away their creature comforts, deprive them of food, sleep, sonic showers, put their lives in jeopardy over an extended period of time and those friendly, intelligent, wonderful people...will become as nasty and as violent as the most blood-thirsty klingon."

02-18-2006, 03:25 AM	#7 (permalink)
Brikar The Dude Join Date: Dec 1969 Location: Massachusetts Posts: 3,285	Re: An excerpt from a reboot ep I'm working on... No, not at all. I like it. __________________ "A million monkeys typing until the end of time will produce the complete works of William Shakespeare. Ten thousand monkeys typing for ten thousand years will write a Hemingway. Ten monkeys typing over Columbus Day weekend will give you a Dan Brown." http://olympusmans.blogspot.com http://benforrealz.blogspot.com

02-18-2006, 03:46 AM	#8 (permalink)
Cymro King of the Gerbils Join Date: Nov 1999 Location: Where everyone drinks and everyone smokes and no one speaks unless there's something to say Posts: 4,752	Re: An excerpt from a reboot ep I'm working on... Thanks __________________ "Let me tell you something about humans, nephew: They're a wonderful, friendly people - as long as their bellies are full and their holosuites are working. "But take away their creature comforts, deprive them of food, sleep, sonic showers, put their lives in jeopardy over an extended period of time and those friendly, intelligent, wonderful people...will become as nasty and as violent as the most blood-thirsty klingon."

02-18-2006, 05:26 AM	#9 (permalink)
Bean The Awesome One Join Date: Dec 1969 Location: Canada eh! Posts: 4,858	Re: An excerpt from a reboot ep I'm working on... I really like it as well Cymro. When do you figure it'll be ready for a full read? __________________ "I haven't faced death. I've cheated death. I've tricked my way out of death and patted myself on the back for my ingenuity. I know nothing." --James T. Kirk

02-18-2006, 01:16 PM	#10 (permalink)
Cymro King of the Gerbils Join Date: Nov 1999 Location: Where everyone drinks and everyone smokes and no one speaks unless there's something to say Posts: 4,752 View Edit History:	Re: An excerpt from a reboot ep I'm working on... I'll probably have a full draft of it by next weekend, so far I've written this part and the first two acts. I know it's weird writing the ending before the middle, but this idea came to me while I was writing act one, and I didn't want to forget it. It kinda helps too, because it gives the story a destination. EDIT: I just realised that the speech also explains the relationship between Spock and McCoy __________________ "Let me tell you something about humans, nephew: They're a wonderful, friendly people - as long as their bellies are full and their holosuites are working. "But take away their creature comforts, deprive them of food, sleep, sonic showers, put their lives in jeopardy over an extended period of time and those friendly, intelligent, wonderful people...will become as nasty and as violent as the most blood-thirsty klingon." Last edited by Cymro; 02-18-2006 at 01:19 PM.

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