Conjectural S4 update - Page 2

Stag · 07-14-2004, 08:52 PM

nevermind

Brikar · 07-14-2004, 10:15 PM

[Brannigan] Sensual, eh? Kiff! I have an idea... [/Brannigan]

Cymro · 07-15-2004, 02:41 AM

I liked the script, but the problem still remains that it's enterprise, and unless you change the very essence of Enterprise, the dialogue will always be a bit dull, but the story can still rescue the episode.

Brikar · 07-15-2004, 02:50 AM

I've been trying to get the human characters to sound more contemporary, especially the captain of the Columbia... Did it not come across well enough? When I was writing it, I went in with the idea that I wanted this to be almost like a new series premiere. I'll try harder for the next episode (which I've already got a teaser and most of the first act for - Perhaps I'll go over it again before posting it).

The second episode is called "Neutral Zone", but I may change that.

Brikar · 07-15-2004, 07:52 AM

Started act 2 of "Neutral Zone".

Cymro · 07-15-2004, 12:55 PM

That's just what I felt, but perhaps it's just me who doesn't like contemporary language in Star Trek, I mean, mixing street talk with phrases like "modify the main deflector" just don't go together as a far as I'm concerned, and it's somewhere I think ENT has always done poorly. As I said, the Script works for the show, just that the show doesn't quite work for me. Plus the mandatory Trip-T'Pol scene was...icky as usual.

Brikar · 07-15-2004, 04:59 PM

I'm trying to inject something REAL into the Tri'Pol soap opera. I'm sorry you felt it was icky... You probably won't like much of "Neutral Zone," then...

But how do you feel when Stargate SG-1 mixes technobabble with "street talk" on their show? Becuase they do it more often than Trek does. In fact, it's one of the aspects that I thought ENT could IMPROVE on, among others.

Cymro · 07-15-2004, 06:35 PM

SG-1 doesn't quite mix it up with street talk in the way Enterpise does. Enterprise has people talking about inverse tachyon grids in the same breath as "son of a bitch", while SG-1 gives each character a different way of speaking. O'Neil and Daniel Jackson do most of the street talking, while Til'c and Sam are much more formal, and Sam is usually the one to do the technobabble lines. For instance, Til'c would say "Electromagnetic Fields" to correct O'Neill, who said "Magnets". TOS did this too, with Spock being formal, and McCoy being contemporary.

Cymro · 07-16-2004, 01:31 AM

I'd also like to request that you extract any trace of the word "Initialise" from your work, I hate that word.

Upon watching SG-1 again , I have come to the realisation that it's not just the words they say, it's what they say. What makes SG-1 more real is the contemporary style of joking that goes on, like O'Neill saying "Yeah....I got nothin'..." and Daniel saying "This game is OV-ER.........Too Dramatic?". On top of studying SG-1, I'd reccomend that you watch the TOS movies, as the dialogue in those films feels natural, without being too contemporary or formal.

Brikar · 07-16-2004, 02:11 AM

I can't say I've used "initialize" yet.. So we're doin' good there! I'm also trying to make sure that there's a bit more even spread of lines so that the nameless science and communications officers (and even Mayweather!) actually have lines. Most of what Mayweather says is still "Aye, sir" but I'm working on it... He offers suggestions on maneuvers and such.

And one thing that has always bothered me is that the tactical officer or whoever WAITS for the captain to say fire, even though they've had the weapons locked for like thirty seconds. So I've got this one scene that I hope vindicates that feeling.

07-14-2004, 08:52 PM	#11 (permalink)
Stag It's me again Join Date: Jan 1970 Location: Florida Posts: 3,286	nevermind __________________ "I want to do a motorboat on Shatner's manboobs" - Sam Cogley

07-14-2004, 10:15 PM	#12 (permalink)
Brikar The Dude Join Date: Jan 1970 Location: Massachusetts Posts: 3,585	[Brannigan] Sensual, eh? Kiff! I have an idea... [/Brannigan] __________________ "A million monkeys typing until the end of time will produce the complete works of William Shakespeare. Ten thousand monkeys typing for ten thousand years will write a Hemingway. Ten monkeys typing over Columbus Day weekend will give you a Dan Brown." http://olympusmans.blogspot.com http://benforrealz.blogspot.com

07-15-2004, 02:41 AM	#13 (permalink)
Cymro Religious Fanatic Join Date: Nov 1999 Location: Shitsville, CF63 Posts: 4,912	I liked the script, but the problem still remains that it's enterprise, and unless you change the very essence of Enterprise, the dialogue will always be a bit dull, but the story can still rescue the episode. __________________ "Let me tell you something about humans, nephew: They're a wonderful, friendly people - as long as their bellies are full and their holosuites are working. "But take away their creature comforts, deprive them of food, sleep, sonic showers, put their lives in jeopardy over an extended period of time and those friendly, intelligent, wonderful people...will become as nasty and as violent as the most blood-thirsty klingon."

07-15-2004, 02:50 AM	#14 (permalink)
Brikar The Dude Join Date: Jan 1970 Location: Massachusetts Posts: 3,585	I've been trying to get the human characters to sound more contemporary, especially the captain of the Columbia... Did it not come across well enough? When I was writing it, I went in with the idea that I wanted this to be almost like a new series premiere. I'll try harder for the next episode (which I've already got a teaser and most of the first act for - Perhaps I'll go over it again before posting it). The second episode is called "Neutral Zone", but I may change that. __________________ "A million monkeys typing until the end of time will produce the complete works of William Shakespeare. Ten thousand monkeys typing for ten thousand years will write a Hemingway. Ten monkeys typing over Columbus Day weekend will give you a Dan Brown." http://olympusmans.blogspot.com http://benforrealz.blogspot.com

07-15-2004, 07:52 AM	#15 (permalink)
Brikar The Dude Join Date: Jan 1970 Location: Massachusetts Posts: 3,585	Started act 2 of "Neutral Zone". __________________ "A million monkeys typing until the end of time will produce the complete works of William Shakespeare. Ten thousand monkeys typing for ten thousand years will write a Hemingway. Ten monkeys typing over Columbus Day weekend will give you a Dan Brown." http://olympusmans.blogspot.com http://benforrealz.blogspot.com

07-15-2004, 12:55 PM	#16 (permalink)
Cymro Religious Fanatic Join Date: Nov 1999 Location: Shitsville, CF63 Posts: 4,912	That's just what I felt, but perhaps it's just me who doesn't like contemporary language in Star Trek, I mean, mixing street talk with phrases like "modify the main deflector" just don't go together as a far as I'm concerned, and it's somewhere I think ENT has always done poorly. As I said, the Script works for the show, just that the show doesn't quite work for me. Plus the mandatory Trip-T'Pol scene was...icky as usual. __________________ "Let me tell you something about humans, nephew: They're a wonderful, friendly people - as long as their bellies are full and their holosuites are working. "But take away their creature comforts, deprive them of food, sleep, sonic showers, put their lives in jeopardy over an extended period of time and those friendly, intelligent, wonderful people...will become as nasty and as violent as the most blood-thirsty klingon."

07-15-2004, 04:59 PM	#17 (permalink)
Brikar The Dude Join Date: Jan 1970 Location: Massachusetts Posts: 3,585	I'm trying to inject something REAL into the Tri'Pol soap opera. I'm sorry you felt it was icky... You probably won't like much of "Neutral Zone," then... But how do you feel when Stargate SG-1 mixes technobabble with "street talk" on their show? Becuase they do it more often than Trek does. In fact, it's one of the aspects that I thought ENT could IMPROVE on, among others. __________________ "A million monkeys typing until the end of time will produce the complete works of William Shakespeare. Ten thousand monkeys typing for ten thousand years will write a Hemingway. Ten monkeys typing over Columbus Day weekend will give you a Dan Brown." http://olympusmans.blogspot.com http://benforrealz.blogspot.com

07-15-2004, 06:35 PM	#18 (permalink)
Cymro Religious Fanatic Join Date: Nov 1999 Location: Shitsville, CF63 Posts: 4,912	SG-1 doesn't quite mix it up with street talk in the way Enterpise does. Enterprise has people talking about inverse tachyon grids in the same breath as "son of a bitch", while SG-1 gives each character a different way of speaking. O'Neil and Daniel Jackson do most of the street talking, while Til'c and Sam are much more formal, and Sam is usually the one to do the technobabble lines. For instance, Til'c would say "Electromagnetic Fields" to correct O'Neill, who said "Magnets". TOS did this too, with Spock being formal, and McCoy being contemporary. __________________ "Let me tell you something about humans, nephew: They're a wonderful, friendly people - as long as their bellies are full and their holosuites are working. "But take away their creature comforts, deprive them of food, sleep, sonic showers, put their lives in jeopardy over an extended period of time and those friendly, intelligent, wonderful people...will become as nasty and as violent as the most blood-thirsty klingon."

07-16-2004, 01:31 AM	#19 (permalink)
Cymro Religious Fanatic Join Date: Nov 1999 Location: Shitsville, CF63 Posts: 4,912	I'd also like to request that you extract any trace of the word "Initialise" from your work, I hate that word. Upon watching SG-1 again , I have come to the realisation that it's not just the words they say, it's what they say. What makes SG-1 more real is the contemporary style of joking that goes on, like O'Neill saying "Yeah....I got nothin'..." and Daniel saying "This game is OV-ER.........Too Dramatic?". On top of studying SG-1, I'd reccomend that you watch the TOS movies, as the dialogue in those films feels natural, without being too contemporary or formal. __________________ "Let me tell you something about humans, nephew: They're a wonderful, friendly people - as long as their bellies are full and their holosuites are working. "But take away their creature comforts, deprive them of food, sleep, sonic showers, put their lives in jeopardy over an extended period of time and those friendly, intelligent, wonderful people...will become as nasty and as violent as the most blood-thirsty klingon."

07-16-2004, 02:11 AM	#20 (permalink)
Brikar The Dude Join Date: Jan 1970 Location: Massachusetts Posts: 3,585	I can't say I've used "initialize" yet.. So we're doin' good there! I'm also trying to make sure that there's a bit more even spread of lines so that the nameless science and communications officers (and even Mayweather!) actually have lines. Most of what Mayweather says is still "Aye, sir" but I'm working on it... He offers suggestions on maneuvers and such. And one thing that has always bothered me is that the tactical officer or whoever WAITS for the captain to say fire, even though they've had the weapons locked for like thirty seconds. So I've got this one scene that I hope vindicates that feeling. __________________ "A million monkeys typing until the end of time will produce the complete works of William Shakespeare. Ten thousand monkeys typing for ten thousand years will write a Hemingway. Ten monkeys typing over Columbus Day weekend will give you a Dan Brown." http://olympusmans.blogspot.com http://benforrealz.blogspot.com

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