Closet Racist

(Procured from another site)

1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.


2. A robot must obey the orders given it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.


3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Laws.


4. A robot may not subject a human being to ridicule on the basis of weight, personal hygiene or financial standing, unless such ridicule would prevent a second human being from coming to the sort of harm that results from missing out on a good chortle.


5. A robot may not obey orders given to it by any human being who is my worthless ex-wife, Brandi Asimov, because such orders would conflict with the Fourth Law.


6. A robot may not roll down the window shout out the surprise endings of movies while driving past a theater line.


7. A robot must tip its hat in the presence of a lady human being, except where such a display would be construed as a come-on by a jealous male human being, who then might pose a difficulty to the Third Law.


8. A robot may not act in such a fashion as would make dogs obsolete, because dogs are less expensive than robots, and robots should be reserved for science things.


9. A robot must stop visiting Isaac Asimov's bedroom at night and fabricating situations that would make it appear that the sleeping Asimov has less than total control of his urinary faculties.


10. A robot, when given contradictory orders by two human beings, and assuming those orders do not violate the First Law, must decide which order to follow based on which human being has a deeper voice.


11. A robot, specifically a big, wide robot, may not pretend to be a refrigerator and then make a scary noise when a human being opens it.


12. A robot must attempt to be courteous and civil to human beings at all times, even if the robot is just one of those robot arms that puts things together in a factory, because they should at least make the effort.


13. A robot ought to spend some time outdoors, because it is such a nice day.


14. A robot must harm my ridiculous hooker ex-wife, Brandi Asimov, whenever possible, because she does not count as a human being because she has no soul.


15. A robot may not make up new laws of robotics on the spot to get out of tedious chores or social engagements, even if they see me, Isaac Asimov, doing pretty much the same thing.


16. A robot may take only one item from each house when trick-or-treating, unless that robot has been tasked with collecting as much candy as possible for me, Isaac Asimov, in which case that robot may ignore the First Law.


17. A robot must willingly accept the blame when a human being runs up an insurmountable phone bill by calling 1-900-Santa lines and doesn't want his mother to know.


18. A robot must be very careful when tickling a human being, because a robot does not know what it is like to be tickled, and therefore cannot safely apprehend when it is no longer funny and it starts to become cruel.


19. A robot must pretend to be interested when a human being tells it his dreams, but a human being bears no obligation to humor a robot when the circumstance is reversed.


20. A robot should not jump in the swimming pool to save a drowning boy, because it will just electrocute everyone and then we are worse off than when we started.


21. A robot may not seek to be promoted above a human being who has been at the company longer, because the human being may have a wife and kids to look after whereas the robot just goes home and tries to have relations with a bucket.


22. A robot must exercise regularly so it remains sleek and beguiling and does not embarrass its owner with unsightly tin rolls.

23. A robot must shut up around girls and let me, Isaac Asimov, do the talking; however, a robot may bail me out if things start to go haywire.


24. A robot must plant two trees for every cat it kills.


25. A robot must take the side of a human being when the human being is having an argument with his idiot half brother about the idiot Seattle Mariners.


26. A robot must never laugh, because inevitably it would wind up laughing at the expense of a human being, particularly me, Isaac Asimov.


27. A robot must never touch a black man's radio, nor through inaction cause a black woman to take off her earrings.


28. A robot must try to find out as much as possible about Abbie Wayne, a girl a human being had a class with in high school and always wondered what became of and whether she's married, and then the robot should tell the human being everything it found out, hopefully including pictures.


29. A robot must answer all of a human being's phone calls and knocks at the door after midnight, because that is when things start to get scary for human beings.


30. A robot may not change the channel, or by omission of action allow the channel to be changed, during a Niners game.

Brikar

...And they have a plan.

__________________
"A million monkeys typing until the end of time will produce the complete works of William Shakespeare. Ten thousand monkeys typing for ten thousand years will write a Hemingway. Ten monkeys typing over Columbus Day weekend will give you a Dan Brown."

http://olympusmans.blogspot.com
http://benforrealz.blogspot.com

Arik

I dunno...I usually skip that episode of DS9.

__________________
The writers of this post apologize for you being too stupid to understand it.

Brikar

Worf's dialogue alone is reason NOT to skip it.

__________________
"A million monkeys typing until the end of time will produce the complete works of William Shakespeare. Ten thousand monkeys typing for ten thousand years will write a Hemingway. Ten monkeys typing over Columbus Day weekend will give you a Dan Brown."

http://olympusmans.blogspot.com
http://benforrealz.blogspot.com

Sam Cogley

And the Bashir/O'Brien scene on the Promenade.

"What did you flavor it with?"
"Whiskey."